Congratulations To The New Fat-Ass Kings

Who’d have thought that Mexico could overtake the US in anything other than border jumping and bean growing?  Well, it seems our neighbors to the south have stolen a much coveted title.  Yes my fellow Americans (and by ‘Americans’ I mean the state dwellers), we are no longer the fattest nation.  Now, I know what you’re thinking.  You’re thinking ‘I just rode the subway today and I’m pretty damn sure that we’re still the fattest country’, but oh no, that designation now belongs to our browner skinned friends below the border.  Apparently all those chalupas have been paying off in recent years turning Mexico into one of the most malnourished of the developed countries, while simultaneously making it the fattest.  What this means is that fat parents raise horribly unhealthy children who are badly malnourished because of the lack of decent food they eat, cramming their faces with processed crap that has absolutely no nutritional value.  These kids then balloon out, and turn into fat adults to continue the cycle until they die of some kind of easily preventable cardiovascular disease.  What do I say to this?  Let ’em die!  It’s the same I say for the disgustingly fat and disgustingly complacent Americans above the border.  If you can’t get your shit together enough as a parent to absorb the small amount of information needed to lead a healthy lifestyle for the sake of your children, then sit back, eat your McDonald’s (or tacos), get your diabetes, and die!  And do it quickly.  Save the rest of us the cost of your medical bills.  If you’re so far gone that you allow yourself to get physically ill because you can’t control your diet, even though the fat rolls covering your body are a great indication and constant reminder that something is horribly wrong, then why should those of us who don’t eat like my dog have to pay for it?  Just die already.  Eat that final hamburger, choke back that final taco, and when your heart gives out, just die.  No hospitals or emergency care for you, amigo, you already signed off on the release form when you let yourself triple to the size of a normal human being.  Let the waves of your heart attack wash over you like a spring rain, cleansing you of your disgusting, horrible, meaningless existence, and die!

So today I send out my own personal congratulations to Mexico.  You did it guys!  You proved that poor educational systems are not just a US issue, and that the mass marketing of horribly unhealthy food for the financial gain of a few billionaires who are probably in perfectly good health, is a problem that any country is susceptible to.  I raise this fried chicken leg to you, my fat-ass friends, and say ‘kudos’ to the new kings of complacency.